Historical Heroes and The Fear

The subtitle of this blog is writing and facing the fear. Yet although I’ve talked about the writing side of my life, I haven’t mentioned the fear part so much, if at all. This is probably because when I’m suffering from a monster dose of The Fear, I’m so convinced that everything I write is laughable that the last thing I want to do is post something that anyone in the world with an internet connection can read. (Even though my hit count shows me I’m well short of that number.)

 

It’s time to put that right and make a confession.

I nearly talked myself out of entering the Historical Heroes contest. Here’s how it went…

Part of my prize was all these books!

When the contest was first announced, I thought: ‘Great – an opportunity to get feedback from an editor. I have to do this.’ I had a MS that I’d put aside while I did other things so what better way to find out if it was worth polishing it up for submission? However, as the deadline for the Medieval heroes part of the contest approached, I kept putting off submitting it because I just wanted to get this line or that bit of dialogue right. I’m sure I’m not the only one like this. (Please tell me I’m not!) 

By Saturday (the deadline was Sunday) I’d convinced myself that a two-year-old with a crayon could write a better romance than I could. I turned off my laptop and decided there was no way the M&B editors would ever be able to hear my name without cracking up ever again if I submitted my first chapter. I was deluded if I thought anything good could come of entering…etc, etc. 

It was only on Sunday that I gave myself a slap round the face and had a conversation with myself that went something like this:

Tough me:       You do realise that if you’re ever going to get a publishing deal, someone, at some point is going to have to read your work. Do you want to be published?

Scaredy me:    [Squeaks] Yes.

Tough me:       And if you do ever find a publisher then a lot of people could read your work.

Scaredy me:     I know.

Tough me:       Including your mother.

Scaredy me:     Eep!

Tough me:       So are you sure you want to be published?

Scaredy me:     [Squares shoulders] Yes.

Tough me:       Then get your arse in gear and email that first chapter off now. Because if you’re ever going to be brave enough to let your mother read your work, you’d better get used to strangers reading it ASAP. Move it! Now!

So I put together my pitch and emailed the whole lot off before my fear could get the better of me again. And guess what? I WON!!! Woohoo! You can read all about it on the M&B socialise blog.

Of course, The Fear hasn’t gone away. It’s gnawing away at my confidence as I rewrite the whole story, telling me that maybe I could manage a single chapter, but the rest of it stinks. I’m trying not to listen to it. And now I’ve had that one success, my armour is that bit stronger. Another thing I’ve done is to save all the emails and messages of congratulation I got (and I got loads – my friends, both online and RL have been amazing) and whenever I start to feel my self-doubt get the better of me, I reread some. That’s really helped to keep me going.

So what’s next? Well, as I’m a NWS member, I’m submitting my MS there first and I’ll show it to my lovely critique partner. Then once I’ve polished it to the best of my ability, I’ll send it to M&B for the full appraisal I won. And that’s such an amazing opportunity – I still can’t get over how lucky I am. And none of this would have happened if I hadn’t overcome my fear and entered the competition in the first place. In future I’m going to try much harder not to let my fear get the better of me.